Want to Fix the NHL? Start Here.
July 20th, 2010
9 comments
Every year, the league’s General Managers get together and discuss some hot-button issues in their sport and try to find ways to improve hockey and make it safer for their pricey investments on the ice. Usually, nothing gets done, but at least they talk about it.
But I’m writing today to talk about a deep-rooted problem in the league, and it needs to be stopped, immediately. It’s ruining the game; rotting it from the inside so quietly like a disease that progresses without symptoms until it’s beyond curable. It’s not too late to cure the NHL of this affliction, but something has to be done right away. It can’t wait any longer.
It’s not headshots. We’ve all spoken enough about that ad nauseum. It’s not oversized goalie equipment or the stupid delay of game penalty.
So what is it?
Lame, bland, thoughtless, banal nicknames.
Remember the great nicknames? The Rocket, Mr. Hockey, Boom-Boom, The Golden Jet (and Brett), The Dominator, The Hammer, Knuckes, St. Patrick. Stars who were instantly identifiable by a moniker that sometimes wasn’t just a silly truncating of the player’s name. The list is virtually endless, and although this illness isn’t exactly a new millennium thing, it’s progressing rapidly. The will to find a decent name for someone is nearly dead. 20 years ago we were treated to “The Great One vs Super Mario”. Today we get “Sid the Kid vs Alex the Great” (didn’t Alex Mogilny have that nickname first? Oh, wait. It’s Alex the Gr8″. How stupid of me. That makes it all better. And what happens when Sid is 28? He won’t be much more of a kid, will he?)
Here’s a quote from Mike Babcock from earlier this year, which appeared in Red Fisher’s “The Red Line” column:
“I thought ‘Fil’ and Bertuzzi together were really good for us, really got going. And then, obviously ‘Pav’ and ‘Homer’ and ‘Mule’ have been excellent for us, and I thought ‘Z’ and ‘Clears’ chipped in as well. That was good. ‘Helmer’s’ group had a real good night, and that’s what you need, you need everyone on deck.”
Let’s review the quote: ‘Fil’ is Valterri Filppula. We all know who Bertuzzi is (though I have to admit that I’m shocked he didn’t abbreviate to ‘Bert’). Thinking out of the box like any good McGill grad, Babcock then makes the innovative leap of shortening Datsyuk’s first name, Pavel, to ‘Pav’. Genius! ‘Homer’ is Tomas Holmstrom, and in what is perhaps the only legitimate nickname in the bunch, ‘Mule’ is Johan Franzen. Lastly, in a clear display of waving the white flag, Babcock refers to Dan Cleary as ‘Clears’ and Darren Helm as ‘Helmer’.
I don’t know about you, but that hurt me like a kick to the teeth.
Has it really come to this? Is shortening a guy’s name to some cutesy pronunciation the best that can be done?
Take a glimpse at the Habs; they’re no better than anyone else:
Scott Gomez: Gomer
Brian Gionta: Gio (some call him Giant, but to me that’s as clever as calling your chihuahua “Killer”)
Michael Cammalleri: Cammy
Carey Price: Pricey (formerly known as Jesus Price. Maybe the fans will give that one back)
Andrei Markov: Marky
Roman Hamrlik: Hamr (this one out of sheer coincidence more than anything. Just lop off the last 3 letters and you get a pretty cool name that in no way describes the way Hamrlik plays)
Tomas Plekanec: Pleks or Pleky, as he is known to fans. (Forgiveable since economizing words on twitter is key!)
Just a few months ago, Glen Metropolit was “Metro”, Matt D’Agostini was “Dags” (don’t be offended Pierre Dagenais), and Max Pacioretty was “MaxPac”.
You get the idea, and it’s not a pretty picture. It’s not new, either, and surely not every era of hockey was immune to this. Steve Shutt was “Shutty”. I’ll risk a public flogging for this one, but what does “The Flower” have to do with hockey? How does it decribe anything other than a direct translation of his surname? Would he have been named The Flower if his name was Laporte? Certainly not, so what does “The Flower” have to do with hockey? If you mention anything about blooming, I’ll kill you. More recently, Saku Koivu was “Sak” (though some called him Captain K), Sheldon Souray was “Shelly”, Craig Rivet was “Rivs”, and was probably confused often with former teammate Mike Ribeiro’s “Ribs” (this one was almost clever. They gave him the mandatory name shrinkage, but because he’s so skinny, his ribs were quite visible.) Laughably, Francis Bouillon was “Frankie Boo”, and today Benoit Pouliot is known to fans as “Benny Pou”. Elsewhere, Jarome Iginla is “Iggy”, Brent Seabrook is “Seabs”, Patrick Kane is “Kaner”, Marc Savard is “Savvy”, Milan Lucic is “Looch” (perhaps after the Loochness Monster?) and Patrice Bergeron is “Bergy”. My head hurts from pounding it against the wall in despair.
But wait. There’s more!
When I say “Kovy”, who do you think of? Habs fans will stand up and say that there’s only one Kovy and his name is Alex Kovalev. The rest of the NHL’s fans will likely stand up and say that Ilya Kovalchuk is the real Kovy. Either way, it’s a shitty nickname. Doubling it just makes it even more stupid and puts this whole silly gongshow on display for all to see. And you thought the CFL having 2 Roughrider teams was dumb! In part 2 of this exercise, when I say “Lappy”, who do you think of? Habs fans talk about young forward Maxim Lapierre, who, given his penchant for running his mouth ought to be renamed Yappy, but that’s another story. The rest of the league, and specifically Flyers fans will tell you that “Lappy” belongs to Ian Laperrière. And really, doesn’t a blood-and-guts guy like Laperrière deserve better than “Lappy”? Makes me think of a dog slurping water.
Is it a totally bleak picture? No. Are there any good names out there? Sure there are. Jordin Tootoo, known for his reckless style of play has one of the leagues better nicknames, if not an entirely predictable one: The Tootoo Train. Sometimes the gods smile upon you. Rangers Pugilist Derek Boogaard has a fitting nickname in the “Boogeyman” but for every Tootoo Train or Boogeyman, there’s 10 “Staalsys” (as they call at least one of the Staal brothers) or “Saks” or “Bergys”. What’s causing this? Is it a simple lack of willingness or creativity or is it a deeper thing where because the NHL is so multicultural these days, things simply get lost in translation and it’s just easier to shorten a guy’s name? Maybe it’s because players move around so much that they don’t get time to endear themselves to players like they did in the past when they would spend years and years together.
I don’t have the answer, but I believe every time a player publicly abbreviates a teammate’s name, he should be fined by the league in the amount of $10,000, on a per-name basis. So if Cammalleri said something like “well I just set up on the off-wing, Gomer found me with a nice cross-ice pass and I slid it back to Marky at the point who put a good shot on net, and it’s lucky for us that Gio was there to tip it in”, he’d be out $30k. They can continue to call each other their cute half-names on the ice because I’m sure some will say that in the course of the action, it’s critical to communicate quickly, so I won’t begrudge the players that.
As for us fans, we’re tougher to moderate. Even I’m guilty of using these insipid nicknames. But make no mistake, it’s a very contagious and dangerous disease. Please protect yourself.
Now it’s your turn. Shine the light on some of the more brutal “nicknames” out there, and let’s see if we can’t get better alternatives off the ground.
Good God…is it October yet?
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